I could make wine with my vomit
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
