I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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