all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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