I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
