Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
