I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my sisters under your porch take her home
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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