I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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