I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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