i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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