You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
