I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
