Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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