i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
