I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
