I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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