My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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