I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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