a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
