I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
