im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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