Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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