she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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