I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
