I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
