At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
