allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
