the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
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Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
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I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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