the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
