Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
