yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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