Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
