Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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