i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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