I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
