doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
