you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
