my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
