Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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