Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
