i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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