All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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