Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
