i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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