I accidentally had phone sex last night
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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