he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
