I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
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You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
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Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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