You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
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They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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