Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
