How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
