seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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