Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
