he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
