well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
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Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
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Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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