I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
